Walking in God’s Truth
Joshua Bowdoin
It is a cold night, clouds covering the sky, a bit rainy. I am out walking, telling God how much I hurt and how sorry I am for looking at pornography again. I am pleading with Him to help me, and take away my addiction to pornography.
Nights like I described above have been plentiful since I started looking at homosexual pornography when I was 14. At first, I quickly fled when I stumbled upon the emails at school. Then I started peeking at them. Later I began clicking on the links, and finally I started regularly searching for pornography.
After three years, I went to a friend and then to my dad for help, yet I continued to live in a cycle of failure and confession. Romans 7:19 seemed so true for me: When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. For years, I was very addicted. Many nights in high school and college I would look at pornography for more than four hours.
I thought I was repenting, and I think I was, but was I repenting of the right thing? It wasn't until many years later that I started learning the answer to that question. After many years of this cycle of failure and confession, I started going to a counselor. He referred me to Mid-Valley Fellowship, where I started the Taking Back Ground program.
In this program, I started learning that the real issue was not my addiction to pornography. The real issue was the "why." Why did I look at pornography? What was I using pornography for? These were questions I had never considered. I assumed that I was simply being sinful. I needed to stop, and I should be able to if I repented and asked God for the strength.
Well, that had not worked, and I began discovering why through Mid-Valley Fellowship's counseling and support groups. I found out that I had a lot of pain from experiences in my childhood, and a lot of areas where I was not living in God's truth.
My mother has rejected my father all of my life, often with outright hatred. She has never accepted his attempts to love and care for her. This dynamic created a lot of pain for me, and I felt personally rejected.
I started becoming a problem solver in an effort to fix as much as I could in my family. I took care of myself in as many ways as possible, so that I would not be a burden. My family's difficult financial situation made this seem even more necessary to me.
Other experiences seemed to strengthen this reality that I was on my own and no one would care for me. I never felt free to have friends over while growing up. My classmates developed closer friendships with others, and I ended up feeling rejected by them. In addition, a family member molested me for several years during this time, instilling an underlying fear in me. As a result of these hurts, I became more and more closed to those around me. No one knew what was going on in side me.
Nights like I described above have been plentiful since I started looking at homosexual pornography when I was 14. At first, I quickly fled when I stumbled upon the emails at school. Then I started peeking at them. Later I began clicking on the links, and finally I started regularly searching for pornography.
After three years, I went to a friend and then to my dad for help, yet I continued to live in a cycle of failure and confession. Romans 7:19 seemed so true for me: When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. For years, I was very addicted. Many nights in high school and college I would look at pornography for more than four hours.
I thought I was repenting, and I think I was, but was I repenting of the right thing? It wasn't until many years later that I started learning the answer to that question. After many years of this cycle of failure and confession, I started going to a counselor. He referred me to Mid-Valley Fellowship, where I started the Taking Back Ground program.
In this program, I started learning that the real issue was not my addiction to pornography. The real issue was the "why." Why did I look at pornography? What was I using pornography for? These were questions I had never considered. I assumed that I was simply being sinful. I needed to stop, and I should be able to if I repented and asked God for the strength.
Well, that had not worked, and I began discovering why through Mid-Valley Fellowship's counseling and support groups. I found out that I had a lot of pain from experiences in my childhood, and a lot of areas where I was not living in God's truth.
My mother has rejected my father all of my life, often with outright hatred. She has never accepted his attempts to love and care for her. This dynamic created a lot of pain for me, and I felt personally rejected.
I started becoming a problem solver in an effort to fix as much as I could in my family. I took care of myself in as many ways as possible, so that I would not be a burden. My family's difficult financial situation made this seem even more necessary to me.
Other experiences seemed to strengthen this reality that I was on my own and no one would care for me. I never felt free to have friends over while growing up. My classmates developed closer friendships with others, and I ended up feeling rejected by them. In addition, a family member molested me for several years during this time, instilling an underlying fear in me. As a result of these hurts, I became more and more closed to those around me. No one knew what was going on in side me.
Because of the unhealthy way my family operated and my lack of friends, I did not feel accepted and valued. I tried to find ways to get this, and learned that if I performed well, people would praise me. I worked very hard at everything I did in school and at home, using the appreciation and admiration I received to try to fill this need for acceptance and value.
I started looking at pornography in the midst of all this. I now understand why it was so attractive to me. It was filling the role of relationship in my life. I felt accepted, valued, understood, even loved, while viewing pornography. The strong, muscular men in the images represented what I was so desperately trying to be: strong, capable of protecting myself, unable to be hurt by those around me. Of course none of this was authentic, so it was never enough. I would go back for more every time I was hurting. This was what was driving my cycle of repentance and failure. I had never addressed my true needs.
Two and a half years ago, I cried out to God for help, telling Him I would do whatever it takes, for as a long as it takes, to find health in this area of my life. With that openness to His work, He has been helping me a lot. He is showing me what I actually need to repent of, and the truths that I need to trust in.
What I really need to repent of is the independence that I walked in. I said I believed in Jesus, but actually I saw myself as my own god. I thought I had to protect and provide for myself. Instead, I can trust Him to provide me with the relationships and material provision that I need. This is still where I am, learning to lay down my own efforts and rely on Him. Psalm 91 is becoming real to me: The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.”
I also needed to learn that I am valued and accepted by my Father in Heaven, regardless of what I do. My head knew that my salvation was based only on Jesus' work on the cross, but my heart hadn't learned this lesson. My heart thought that I had to act perfectly in order to be loved and accepted by Him, or by anyone else.
Because of these wrong beliefs, I was not getting what I needed from my Father, and went to pornography to numb the pain and fear when it became too much to handle. As I renew my mind with His truth, and as my heart experiences the fruit of living in this truth, I am becoming more and more free from my addiction to homosexual pornography. Praise God!
Recently I was again walking outside with God one night, and it dawned on me that I am no longer miserable like I was in the past. I no longer cry myself to sleep as I did at times in high school. As I let Him provide more and more for me, He is giving me the relationships that I need. He is teaching me that I am secure in Him, and that He will never abandon me. I can trust Him.
I started looking at pornography in the midst of all this. I now understand why it was so attractive to me. It was filling the role of relationship in my life. I felt accepted, valued, understood, even loved, while viewing pornography. The strong, muscular men in the images represented what I was so desperately trying to be: strong, capable of protecting myself, unable to be hurt by those around me. Of course none of this was authentic, so it was never enough. I would go back for more every time I was hurting. This was what was driving my cycle of repentance and failure. I had never addressed my true needs.
Two and a half years ago, I cried out to God for help, telling Him I would do whatever it takes, for as a long as it takes, to find health in this area of my life. With that openness to His work, He has been helping me a lot. He is showing me what I actually need to repent of, and the truths that I need to trust in.
What I really need to repent of is the independence that I walked in. I said I believed in Jesus, but actually I saw myself as my own god. I thought I had to protect and provide for myself. Instead, I can trust Him to provide me with the relationships and material provision that I need. This is still where I am, learning to lay down my own efforts and rely on Him. Psalm 91 is becoming real to me: The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.”
I also needed to learn that I am valued and accepted by my Father in Heaven, regardless of what I do. My head knew that my salvation was based only on Jesus' work on the cross, but my heart hadn't learned this lesson. My heart thought that I had to act perfectly in order to be loved and accepted by Him, or by anyone else.
Because of these wrong beliefs, I was not getting what I needed from my Father, and went to pornography to numb the pain and fear when it became too much to handle. As I renew my mind with His truth, and as my heart experiences the fruit of living in this truth, I am becoming more and more free from my addiction to homosexual pornography. Praise God!
Recently I was again walking outside with God one night, and it dawned on me that I am no longer miserable like I was in the past. I no longer cry myself to sleep as I did at times in high school. As I let Him provide more and more for me, He is giving me the relationships that I need. He is teaching me that I am secure in Him, and that He will never abandon me. I can trust Him.
December 2014