Single and Whole
Chris Goeke Interviews Duan Walker and Angela Miller
“Oh no. Not February again …” That’s the thought that I and many other singles have as Valentine’s Day approaches. Walking out sexual and relational wholeness isn’t always easy as a single, and I’ve desired to understand God’s design for my singleness better. So, I had the chance to bring my questions to counselors Duan Walker and Angela Miller, and I believe that whether you are single or married, you will be blessed by hearing their insights on how to live out God’s design for us in relationship.
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Q. What is God’s hope for individuals who are single? What does he offer to them when they pursue sexual and relational wholeness?
Duan: Well, he actually offers the same hope to singles as he does to everyone else. Our hope isn’t in a relationship with a person, but our hope is in our relationship with God—the reality of salvation and that we get to spend eternity with him. I think that’s often part of the challenge—that people put their hope in a relationship instead of in God. Angela: Our culture often gives the message that we need a person to fulfill us. I talk to women all the time who say, “But the movies told me as soon as I found the right one, my life will be fulfilled.” And I remember thinking the same thing, but whether you are single or married, it’s the same. There are no humans that are supposed to fill our deepest longings. That was never God’s intention. Duan: For those who pursue sexual and relational wholeness, he offers healing and freedom and life, versus the bondage that comes from sexual brokenness. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The enemy comes only to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.” So what he offers is life to the full, and that may look like marriage or that may look like singleness. But there’s still life to the full. Where we can have skewed perspective is when we elevate marriage above singleness, and we miss that singleness is a gift as well. |
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Q. What are common misconceptions many singles have about marriage?
Angela: One is that life will always feel happier, when there’s a actually lot of hardship in marriage, and it can be painful at times. People see the happy parts, but they don’t realize there is also sadness.
Duan: It’s common to think marriage will solve all my relational and emotional problems. A phrase often used in our culture is, “You complete me,” which is highly codependent. It’s the idea that I’m incomplete, there’s something missing, and I need another person to complete me. That is also a pretty selfish love approach because we’re saying, “I want something from you so I can feel better about myself.” That is the opposite of a sacrificial love, where my focus is how I can love you, how I can bless you, and how I can be a gift in relationship. Ultimately, marriage was meant to reflect Christ’s sacrificial love for The Church, and it was intended to be a sacrifice.
Angela: One is that life will always feel happier, when there’s a actually lot of hardship in marriage, and it can be painful at times. People see the happy parts, but they don’t realize there is also sadness.
Duan: It’s common to think marriage will solve all my relational and emotional problems. A phrase often used in our culture is, “You complete me,” which is highly codependent. It’s the idea that I’m incomplete, there’s something missing, and I need another person to complete me. That is also a pretty selfish love approach because we’re saying, “I want something from you so I can feel better about myself.” That is the opposite of a sacrificial love, where my focus is how I can love you, how I can bless you, and how I can be a gift in relationship. Ultimately, marriage was meant to reflect Christ’s sacrificial love for The Church, and it was intended to be a sacrifice.
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Q. What are some key areas of challenge that singles face when they come to you for support? How have you seen God meet them and work in those areas of challenge?
Angela: One key area for women is the question of “Where does my value come from?” Our culture is so loud saying, “You have value if you’re married—if a man finds you attractive and is pursuing you.” And that’s all they see because that’s what they are experiencing, but that’s not where our value comes from. And we get to talk about that. Our value doesn’t come from the attention of a man, but the attention of God, and we already have it completely. We all do. Duan: There’s often pressure to get married from either society, The Church, or the fear of missing out. It’s the message that, “I have to find that person, or I’ll be incomplete.” The truth is, we have a loving Father, and if he intends for it, he will provide it. I’ve seen God meet men in those challenges by helping them grow in their confidence of who God designed them to be—not in a arrogant way but by having a healthy perspective and peace about who they are in Christ. That kind of growth helps the man to be a good gift to the world, as well as, a future mate and is in fact, very attractive to a woman. |
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Q. What advice would you give to any singles desiring to be married and struggling with sexual and relational wholeness?
Angela: Being focused on friendships is huge. Are you building relationships? How healthy are they? How do you do communication in healthy ways? How do you ask for what you need? How do you handle conflict? That’s all practice for a future marriage, even with same-sex friends. Invest in the relationships you already have in your life, and work on building them healthier and healthier. You’ll set yourself up for success in marriage.
Duan: Focus on your own health and healing. That will serve you whether you’re single or married. Engaging with our growth is something we must do throughout our life. Also, if romantic relationships are something that’s been idolized, it can be helpful to make the choice to totally set them aside for a time. Surrender it to God and focus on what you need to do to seek God’s healing, and trust that God will work out the rest in his time.
Duan and Angela’s perspectives on pursuing sexual and relational wholeness as a single, have certainly challenged the assumptions I’ve held about marriage! Maybe you are single, or even married and some of these struggles relate to you.
Angela: Being focused on friendships is huge. Are you building relationships? How healthy are they? How do you do communication in healthy ways? How do you ask for what you need? How do you handle conflict? That’s all practice for a future marriage, even with same-sex friends. Invest in the relationships you already have in your life, and work on building them healthier and healthier. You’ll set yourself up for success in marriage.
Duan: Focus on your own health and healing. That will serve you whether you’re single or married. Engaging with our growth is something we must do throughout our life. Also, if romantic relationships are something that’s been idolized, it can be helpful to make the choice to totally set them aside for a time. Surrender it to God and focus on what you need to do to seek God’s healing, and trust that God will work out the rest in his time.
Duan and Angela’s perspectives on pursuing sexual and relational wholeness as a single, have certainly challenged the assumptions I’ve held about marriage! Maybe you are single, or even married and some of these struggles relate to you.
