“My friend just told me he struggles with homosexuality. Now what?” “My daughter told us she was born a lesbian and is now pursuing that lifestyle.” “My friend told me about her struggle. If I spend time with her, will people think I’m a lesbian too?”

Homosexuality is a difficult topic. Not only must you contend with what you believe God says about homosexuality, but also your own personal reaction when it hits close to home. No matter the situation, it can be complex and confusing. At the same time, there are some fairly straightforward concepts that can assist you as you interact with someone struggling with homosexuality. In order to get a clearer picture of those concepts, it is helpful to have a general understanding of what the person struggling with homosexuality has experienced. Much of this is revealed in the stories you read in our newsletters, but we wanted to present it in a more summarized fashion this month.

First and foremost, it is important to understand that every person is different. While there are some similarities in the issues faced by those dealing with homosexuality, each person’s journey will be different. Internal wiring and a whole series of life experiences come together to create unique individuals with different challenges and perspectives on life.

Additionally, a core concept to keep in mind is that homosexuality is all about relationships. God designed us with a need to connect with other people and a Creator in healthy relationships. Homosexuality may result when needs are not met in appropriate or healthy ways. The needs are legitimate; the way of fulfilling them is unhealthy and ultimately destructive. There is a breakdown in relationships. Below are some of the relational issues that can occur along with some perspective that may assist you as you try to relate with a friend or loved one.

Sexual/Verbal Abuse
One of the clearest breakdowns in relationship comes with sexual abuse, whether by a person of the same or opposite sex. A child learns about sex before they are prepared or equipped to understand or communicate about it. Something that was intended to be an expression of love is used in an unloving way. The child cannot understand or process that. Love and care become intermixed with confusion and shame. The result later in life can be repeating that abusive experience in an attempt to feel loved and accepted. In contrast, someone who has been abused may become very self-protective and not trust anyone, especially if someone reminds them of their abuser. The same is true, though usually to a lesser degree, with verbal abuse.

When relating with someone who has been abused, you may find it very hard to gain their trust. Situations that seem like normal/natural relational connections to you, may make them withdraw. Be patient. As you relate with them, let them set the pace. Don’t fault them for pulling back at unexpected times, but continue to communicate your care for them.

Individual Temperament/Abilities
Each of us have been designed with specific God-given gifts and abilities. There is a great mixture of artists, athletes, culinary masters, and mechanical people. Unfortunately, American culture has assigned many of these roles to one gender or the other. As a result, a guy who likes to cook and a girl who is exceptionally athletic are considered out of the ordinary. In order to “fit in,” they may try to reject the way God has designed them. The more they reject that internal wiring and ability, the more difficult things can be.

One of the most powerful things you can do for anyone is to give them an opportunity to share what they are passionate about. When you do, you give the person permission to be the man or woman God designed them to be. And whether or not you have the same gifts and passions, you can still value what you can learn and understand from someone different than yourself.

Relationship with Same-Sex Parent
The first place a boy learns about masculinity is from his father, and the first place a woman learns about femininity is from her mother. At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. If the parent is absent physically because of something like divorce or death, the understanding of masculinity or femininity can be skewed. A parent who is physically present but abusive or emotionally absent can create the same misperception. These perceptions then create the foundation for relationships with others of the same sex.

An older/more experienced teacher, friend, or acquaintance can serve as a mentor for a person who has had an absent gender model. By walking alongside someone struggling, you can provide an incredible support simply by bestowing those things you learned growing up.

Relationship with Opposite-Sex Parent
Just as the relationship with the same-sex parent is the place a child learns to identify with their own sex, the relationship with the opposite-sex parent helps a child learn about relationships with the opposite sex. A father shows a daughter she is loved and valued in the safety and security of their relationship. She learns men should treat her well and respect her, while she learns to reciprocate that respect. On the other side, a son learns to respect and honor women and that interaction with them should be different than with other men.

Peer Relationships
In addition to the relationships listed above, a break-down in relationships with peers can contribute to a struggle with homosexuality. This could take the form of labeling or alienation. When a child is rejected by their same-sex peers, that child may reject their own sex and perhaps identify with the opposite sex. Over time, the lack of identification with the same sex is repeated in multiple situations, re-emphasizing a difference and making identification with the same sex seem less and less of a possibility. Activities in which someone would normally be surrounded by same-sex peers become overwhelming and intimidating.

As a man who is struggling with homosexuality steps into arenas with other men, he needs to receive the affirmation that he belongs there. Additionally, an invitation to be part of an activity with other men, communicates that he is a man and bestows that sense of masculinity – a task which only another man can do. The same is true with women. They need other women to model femininity.

For all these relational break-downs, the most powerful antidote is healthy relationships. While homosexuality may make you feel uncomfortable, those struggling need you to walk alongside them in honesty and openness. I challenge you to step into the uncomfortable but ultimately rewarding experience of encouraging those struggling with homosexuality.

It is with a certain amount of fear that I put pen to paper on the matter of prayer. I have been stretched in prayer lately, considering new and old forms of prayer and seeing where I fall short. In the midst of this growth I have also been considering how others might pray for friends, acquaintances, and loved ones who are struggling with homosexuality.

There are great men and women of prayer that have written eloquent books on the subject, yet sifting through those could take years. God’s own words to us in Scripture are rich, so I will stick mostly to them in answering how we can pray for someone in the lifestyle or for someone struggling with homosexual attractions.

First, I would like to comment on our mindset going into prayer. God instructs us to pray without ceasing. This is not just a matter of persevering when we don’t see how God is answering our prayers. It’s a matter of keeping a frame of mind that is always ready to pray, whether that is praying in the midst of doing the dishes, driving to work, writing a report, or reading the newspaper.

Second, we should not come to God expecting to “fix” someone else’s lifestyle through prayer. This does not discount the power of God to work in someone else’s life, but the focus should be on God doing His work, which often looks different than we might expect. Our first priority in praying for others should be that they will have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If they already have a relationship in Christ, the priority in prayer is still that they grow in that relationship. Let God work in each person in His own time and way through their relationship with Him.

For the actual act of prayer, one method of praying for another is following the Lord’s Prayer. In looking at the Scriptures surrounding the Lord’s Prayer, there are two simple guidelines that Jesus laid out for us. First, he taught humility. Right before giving the Lord’s Prayer in the book of Matthew, he warns against the hypocrisy of praying to get attention. Then, within the Lord’s Prayer, he models that we should pray for God’s will to be done, putting God’s will above our own. This, of course, includes surrendering when we think God should act, trusting His timing for His answers to prayer. In a sermon on Matthew, chapter 8, Martin Luther concludes, “Therefore faith prays in such a manner that it commits everything to the gracious will of God; it lets [God] determine whether it is conducive to his honor and to our benefit.” Second, Jesus explicitly taught perseverance. In Luke’s gospel, Jesus gives the example of a man knocking on a friend’s door asking for bread late at night. Though the friend did not want to get up, the persistent knocking got him to respond. How many of us want to give up after seeing no immediate change or expected result?

​The Lord's Prayer as found in Matthew 6:

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. All prayer should intentionally glorify God. Before we begin praying for another person, we should remember who God is and give attention to praise.

Your kingdom come, your will be done. This is a time to invite God to work in that person’s life. Without assuming we know how it should look, we should pray that God’s will would be done in their life. In some ways, this will feel vague. This is because God has a plan that we are not privy to. We should be praying that his plans unfold how he wants them to, not how we want them to.

Give us this day our daily bread. A guiding question here is, “What does the person I am praying for need?” These are specific, concrete needs. The need may be monetary, medical, relational, or something else entirely. If this is for someone we know well, we’ll know more specifics. For an acquaintance, we may have to generalize a bit more. In both cases, we can pray in faith knowing that God will provide for each need.

Forgive us our debts as we have forgiven our debtors. There are some questions we may want to bring before God in regard to our relationship with the person we are praying for. “Do I have something against the person I am praying for?” “Have I forgiven that person?” “Does that person know I have forgiven them?” “Have I acted wrongly toward them?” “Do I need to seek forgiveness from them.” Aside from these relationship concerns, we may be grieved by specific sinful acts in which the person is engaged. If this is the case, the best example I know of is Nehemiah. When he prays fervently for his nation’s sins, he includes himself in them, acknowledging that he and his people have collectively failed to keep God’s commandments. Nehemiah 1:4-7 reads,

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. We can pray that a person will not be tempted to sin. And in praying for the person struggling with homosexuality, we can pray specifically that the person will be protected from influences that lead them into homosexual behavior. More importantly, it helps focus us on God as the deliverer and Satan as the enemy. We are not delivering someone by our prayers. God is. We are not fighting people. God redeems people. It is on this note that the Lord’s Prayer ends.

In leaving the example of the Lord’s Prayer, I want to end with a thought from Oswald Chambers. In My Utmost for His Highest, he writes, “True intercession involves bringing the person, or the circumstance that seems to be crashing in on you, before God, until you are changed by his attitude toward that person or circumstance.” May you allow God’s heart to transform yours through prayer for others.